Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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