I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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