I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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