Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
