Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
