Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
