I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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