she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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