Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
