.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
