PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
