I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
