Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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