I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
