I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's never too late to be topless.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
