I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
