Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sarcasm needs its own font
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
