I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
