my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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