gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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