You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
