Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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