I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
