So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
