my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
