The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
