someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
