All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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