So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
