so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
