Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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