OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Damn victory sex feels great
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
