My Higher Power is John Stamos
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
