I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
