Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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