i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
