The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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