the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
