I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
