if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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