awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
