i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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