LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
