i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
