Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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