So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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