What did we do last night that was yellow?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
