just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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