Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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