It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
