Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
