Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
