I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
