Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
