I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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