if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
