The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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